Moving Forward
Chanika and I love to talk, and one of the things we value is that people tell us “how comfortable” we make conversations about race. Easier said than done, yes. Made even more complex because “comfort” is not necessarily the goal. We have also known one another for over 20 years, so there’s a level of trust involved. And, like in any friendship, there’s also accountability. So, how do we ALL establish an environment where mutual trust and accountability are fostered?
True friendships are established around a set of “norms.” Whether we call them that or not, that’s the reality: my friends keep me in check, and I feel comfortable doing the same. In conversations about “race,” we often seek the trust that others will see our good intentions, however we shy away from the accountability that helps us heal from impact that can be harmful.
Here are some of our favorite norms from recent conversations*:
ACKNOWLEDGE THAT YOU AND OTHERS MIGHT HAVE MOMENTS OF DISCOMFORT: This is a big one, especially since white folks often shy away from emotions of sadness, regret, or confusion--all frequent feelings when talking about race. Let’s be clear: discomfort is perfectly natural, and healthy for growth. In fact, embracing the discomfort can be liberating. Try asking: why do I feel this way? What about my experience has caused this feeling? And most importantly, how can I channel my uncomfortable energy into action?
WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES: Lord, yes! Daily. Since most white folks come to a racial realization much later than people of color, we tend to form our understandings in conversation with others. While not always easy, I’m appreciative of feedback from Chanika when offered, and hope others will eagerly hear me when I tell them that what they said didn’t feel so good. Feedback is a gift because it’s an opportunity to acknowledge and learn from our mistake, and then continue the conversation.
USE "I" STATEMENTS: We know ourselves best, and therefore can’t really speak on behalf of others. The tendency to project our own insecuraties onto individuals & groups when we are uncomfortable or make mistakes is perhaps a result of our own shame, guilt, or denial. While all natural defences, none of these are helpful for moving toward healing. Stick to our own truth; tell our own stories.
When Chanika and I have conversations about race with one another, the norms of trust and accounability are implied, tried and true. When we have these conversations with folks we barely know, or have just met, we introduce conversation norms like these to help move the trust and accountability forward.
*taken from GUIDE to RESPECTFUL CONVERSATIONS from Repair the World.
